Bipolar anxiety? Improper diagnosis?

This is really hard for me to be honest about, but my doctors haven't been paying much attention so it seems, so I figured it be best to ask around for maybe someone who has experienced mood changes like this, firsthand. I had bouts with anxiety when I was about 12. I'm 20 now, and it seems like things are going downhill again. They told me when I was younger that I had bipolar tendencies. To this day I'm not sure if thTs the case. Anyways, I've been in an abusive relationship for 10 months. Verbally and physically. He's smacked me around plenty of times. Talks down to me every day, etc. He got me into smoking pot everyday, and it seems like since then, my moods have gone haywire. Not to mention I stayed drunk for about 6 months. It was bad. I'm starting to drift away from alcohol lately, and it just feels like my mind is ot of control. I feel scared about everything. My life feels like a dream. Everything always feels so closed in and I feel trapped in my own life, so to speak. I don't want to die. Not at all. But my mind confuses me a little. I can't tell if it's anxiety or something more. I can't see myself committing suicide. Death is my biggest fear. Death is what I try to avoid every day. But then today I heard that bipolar sufferers are more likely to commit suicide while they're happy. That scares me. Sometimes I try to face my fears with death. Not to try to be okay with it, but to accept it. My mind takes that as "oh my god, I'm going to turn suicidal." and then I panic. I know that I won't do that, but the thoughts are scary. When I'm high, I feel great.....then I come down, and my mood comes with it. With the bipolar disorder thing, it's scary to me to think that if that's the case, when I'm happy I could hurt myself? That gives me an instant sense of fear. I don't think I would ever do that. I know I wouldn't. I'm more scared of the anxiety getting worse. The abuse is a big factor. I left him this week and I'm still coping with it. I'm trying to limit the marijuana use to VERY little, then working towards none at all. I recently moved out of my parents house, this relationship was my first, and I've always had bad anxiety. Not to mention the sobriety thing. Life seems very different thAn it had while I was abusing alcohol. I just want to know that I'm not insane. I went to net care during a panic attack, which I calmed in the car, and they treated me like a total nutcase. Trying to keep me overnight, accuse me of hearing voices, all due to me telling them I hear my own inside my head. I thought that was normal? Isn't that just having a conscience? Anyway, the more people tell me I'm crazy, the crazier I feel. I feel like my mind is going downhill because others are convincing me it is. Kind of like I'm acting the part. I am what you say I am, that kind of thing. I've been unmedicated for years. Almost 9 years. My anxiety has gone away for years at a time, but I know that the abuse, relationship wise and also drug wise, has sort of been a contender for a cause. I just want to know others opinions. My doctor prescribed me zoloft. I'm against pills for the most part. I have a substance abuse problem, I want to get away from all of that. My doctor also never asked too personal questions. I feel like I haven't got a proper diagnosis. Zoloft for anxiety. That's her conclusion after only knowing that I have panic attacks. She didn't ask for further details. I just want to know if this is curable. I've done it in the past, but recently everyone has been putting me down, telling me I'm literally insane, I need lots of help. I just think it's because I'm a little girl who grew up over the last few months. I'm not sure what to call that....but I'm afraid. My lif has changed a lot and it's scary. Isnt that normal? I'd just like to know how to deal with that and if that seems as outrageous as everyone is saying. I personally think that im not used to sobriety and the world feels almost new again and scary for me. I'm at home right now, at my parents house. A place a rarely get to see, when not even 6 months ago, I hated leaving this place. Everyday situations trigger a panic attack. I can talk myself out of them...it's just that hearing that bipolar people are more likely to kill themselves when they're happy scares me to death. I've had thoughts of suicide, but they were kind of like "what if?". Every time I think that way, I get sick to my stomach and I instantly get hit with a feeling of disgust. I could never do that to myself. The thought of it is the most terrifying thing in the world to me. I'm just kind of scared now because of what I heard. Is that true? Also, does this sound like the proper diagnosis...anxiety. Is it really that powerful? I feel like I'm going absoluelty crazy, but I'm complet